A grey fog has descended on everything.
Your version of what happened differs from others who were actually there, just as you were.
Someone is being gaslighted.
Is it you doing the gaslighting? Or is it you being gaslighted?
You don’t know anymore, and you no longer care.
You don’t know who to trust, who wants to make use of you, who wants to confuse you. So you avoid everyone and isolate yourself in your room.
At least when you’re alone, there are fewer voices. Only the ones that remind you of your failures, one after another. Only the ones that remind you of the times when you messed up badly. Only the ones that tell you that you are worthless and useless, no one wants you around, they’re better off without you.
You know it’s not true, but when something gets repeated often enough to you, it becomes the truth. That something is repeated to you every hour, every minute that you are awake.
So you sleep. You sleep to avoid hearing the voices. But there is only so much you can sleep before you have to wake up again.
So you self-medicate. You take the pills that make you drowsy, that bring the warm comfort of dreamland. Just so that you don’t have to hear those voices, telling you, reminding you, how weak and worthless and useless you are, what a failure you are, how you are doomed to be like this for the rest of your life, how life is not worth living.