Some days

Some days are just a haze.

I’m not really present and it’s hard to focus on anything in particular.

On such days, I lose myself in a game, a book, an anime, or a movie. I just want the day to pass by as quickly as possible, so that I can go back to sleep.

On such days, I try not to sleep in the afternoons because it completely messes up my sleep cycle.

Sometimes I don’t succeed. And then my sleep cycle is upside down and I feel even worse.

Some days I don’t want to think, but I can’t shut down my mind.

I used to have food rescue to occupy me, but now I don’t have clarity of mind and I’m making bad judgement calls and decisions. This affects people around me, and I lose self-confidence.

I’ve taken a break from food rescue because I no longer trust myself and I can see people around me don’t either.

It’s hard to hold myself together.

On such days it may look like I’m addicted to my phone, especially when I’m around people. But I’m just trying to stop the thoughts and the emotions. I’m just trying not to be alone with them.

They still come, while I’m absorbed in a game or a book or a show. And they still spiral.

I let them. Sometimes I am not aware of the insidious tracks they take, and if you ask me later what I was thinking about, I couldn’t tell you. They come and they go, I try not to hold on to them.

It’s hard to trust my own mind. I’ve learned long ago not to believe everything I think.

The mind plays tricks on me. As does the memory.

Sometimes I remember things that didn’t happen. Is it a false memory? Is it my imagination? Did I implant myself with false memories? Did I fabricate a memory to fill a void where there should be nothing there?

I don’t know. I can’t trust myself these days.

I’m trying not to exist in the realm of the mind, and focus on the body. At least that’s real. More real than what’s in my mind.

Am I growing crazy?

Sometimes it feels like I am.

Some days, there is a cloud of darkness that hangs over my vision. Well, it’s December so the sky is overcast most of the days. But even when the sun is shining brightly, my vision is overcast.

There’s a dark cloud that hangs over me. It makes me see everything in a negative light. The slightest touch, the littlest insinuation, even if it’s not, is taken negatively.

It’s not that I’m a negative person. It’s just that everything seems to have a negative interpretation. There’s no positivity anywhere. Even the possibility of positivity has disappeared.

I grow suspicious of everyone, even those I should not be suspicious of.

I question their intentions, their actions, their words. Then sometimes I emerge from the haze and realise that it’s a fog of confusion. In those short moments, it is like coming up for air, before sinking back into the ocean of despair, drowning in negativity and confusion.

It’s hard to see clearly. Hard to think clearly. Hard to focus.

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