Being a wallflower

I haven’t been doing so well. It seems like I come here to write only when I’m not doing so well.

I watched a movie a couple of days ago. It’s called The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

It’s about this boy who is a wallflower, that is, an introverted person who attends parties and social gatherings, but doesn’t participate. He sees things, observes people, and understands. In the movie, he makes friends with a pair of step-siblings. One is gay played by Ezra Miller, and the other is his really hot step-sister played by Emma Watson. These two friends he makes helps him through his first year of high school.

He also suffers from depression and anxiety, and as I read about him slowly slipping back into depression, I could really relate to him.

I feel as though I’m slipping back into depression because I’m isolating myself again. I am recovering from a sprained ankle that has left me on my bed most of the day.

I go down for meals, but even so, it’s at odd hours, because I’ve let my sleep cycle turn upside down.

I wake up at 2am and go to bed at 2pm. That way, I can avoid talking to everyone, including my parents, whom I currently live with.

On one hand I want to avoid interacting with everyone. On the other hand, I crave interaction with people.

This morning, it occurred to me that many writers and creatives go through something similar. I’m a good writer, or rather, I can be a good writer, when the inspiration comes. And I really enjoy that when it happens. But the flip side of this gift is this curse.

I suppose it’s not really a curse, since it’s just the other side of the coin. Maybe it’s because I take in too much information and I become paralysed by it.

Maybe it’s because of the Covid pandemic that I feel isolated from my friends. But if I’m being honest with myself, this downward spiral started even before Covid did. And I know exactly what’s the cause.

In 2 days’ time, it’s going to be August already. In my plan, I would have concluded my divorce by now. But it’s still pending. Things are moving, but a bit too slowly for my liking. But oh well, it’s not like I’m going anywhere with this Covid crisis still on our hands.

My life is now, has been, in a limbo. For the past 2 years, it’s been in a limbo. I feel like I cannot move on to the next chapter of my life so long as I have this thing hanging over my head.

Still, that hasn’t stopped me from starting the freegan community and SG Food Rescue, two initiatives that I’m particularly proud of.

I wish I could have continued with SG Food Rescue, and I don’t think I ever told anyone why I really left, except to the person I handed the group to.

You see, I knew right from when I started SG Food Rescue, that there would come a time when I would need to leave it, or at least take an extended break. It was the time when I was going to sell my HDB flat and start divorce proceedings. This would be a hugely emotional time for me, and when I get emotional, I get irrational. I was sure that running a group, especially one that was as public as SG Food Rescue, was too big a responsibility for me to handle when my judgement was questionable.

It happened just as I predicted. When I started the process of selling my flat, I also started to interact with my ex again, and my emotions became more unstable. After a particular incident happened, directly because of Covid, I decided that I was no longer suitable to run SG Food Rescue, so I stepped down from it.

My flat sale has been completed. All that is left now is the divorce. My emotional state hasn’t been good for a few months now. But I’m hoping that once the divorce is settled, I can start my journey towards happiness again.

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